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location:: Home - Avalon, Boston victory-hour:: no😵 pomodoro-blocks:: wake-up:: 6 AM day:: Sunday icon:: 📅 - 🙆 🧘 📓 7 - 9 AM: Morning Routine 🍅🍅 - 🙆 25 mins Morning Yoga #playlist/5AM - 🧘 20 mins Morning Meditation - 📓 50 mins Morning Page & Day Plan 🍅🍅 - **07:47 AM, day. Morning Pages ** - Mantra: Your person needs to be ‘knocked out’ cold. - I imagine my day to be gentle. - **What comes top of my mind?** - Egos. Attachment. I being the perpetrator - **What is smallest thing I can do for settling the top of mind thing?** - Practice the Gentle Way - Be gentle. Handle with delicate essence. Hmm. - The delicacies of life seem to sprout 🌱 open. - I feel more. I am not rushed. - **What is smallest thing I can do make Saie happy today?**** What is the smallest thing I can do to be more in line with who I am?** - Block Reference - **What first word pops into my mind when I think about today?** - gentle - **What's one good thing about Saie?** - She is a warrior. - **What is one thing I like about myself today?** - I see I don't like myself today #selfinquiry #rejection id:: 63150476-e5db-411b-955f-be49ce26375f - Because Saie is upset. This triggers this. Then I become more stone hearted. Make wild resolution. Make offensive and provoking remarks. Hm. Wow. If that is my unconscious reaction to not liking self then who am I to judge Saie for when she goes into her defensive shell, hmm? Ouch. - Yesterday's downward spiral of our energies may have started with this hint of not being liked. When I told her that I removed her from Apple Tv. This triggered her into her depressive patterns with triggered me into my offensive patterns. Hmm. - Did I actually hint not liking to her? - Why I do I feel not loved? - Because Saie is closest to me. If she doesn't like me. Then I might not be likable. Is this the feeling of invalidation? What gives her this power? - Mind going blank. This is unresolved. - Is this the Pain that I aint handling well? - From Sept 4th - Block Reference - This is a weird game. Oh boy. A common theme: The ==feeling of rejection== - Hmm. yes. It is that. I did verbalize this to Saie last night - "you abandoned me in the evening" - It seems some rejection I cope up in next moment or ignore or it doesn't register as rejection. Like job interview, or random homeless guy making racist remark. Some hit hard. Is it the framing? - And fuck all that - why even play this game? lol. Ok. Let's ask. **Who is it that is being rejected?** - Ok I am getting my #wuwei answers. Then, What is the one thing I like about myself? - I see it being hard. Because I asnwer that and my feeling of rejection is disqualified. OMG. #boom. - I got it. Rejection, the feeling, the brain attaches to it as it a feature that helps with survival. Discarding it just as is given that in a way we valued it for a moment is risk to life. - I see the resistance in saying nice thing about myself. Becuase that will evaporate this feeling of rejection I am holding onto. - **So one thing I like about myself?** - I am deeply loving. I put love over anything else in the world. - There you go. - I feel love flow in me again. The block is removed. Hmmm. **deep sigh** - Now I find strength to embrace and hug Saie. Give her acceptance. The rejected self could not. - This is Understanding. - Our minds values certain rejection and holds onto it. Attaches to it until forgotten, diminished or resolved, I suppose. To hold onto rejection we stop love flow in our self. We don't like ourselves. We invite pain and suffering. Which triggers different behavior patterns. Which for me is to be on the offensive. Isn't this #Entrepreneurship then? - My mind, my habits, my dealing with rejection is naive like all others. A brooding child. An angry child that sits on the kitchen floor and cries to be picked up and loved. Oof. - Who is it that gets rejected? - I don't know. There is no one. It's just the feeling of rejection that i kept alive by self rejection? Who rejected self? - Maybe I don't solve it. I dissolve it. Let mind play its plays. And I can maybe have a good laugh at it as it rushes in. Hmm. - We are more sensitive than we think to this feeling of rejection. We attach to it by rejecting our own selves inviting misery and pain. And then seek acceptance from others while all this time keeping self rejected? Oh boy. I must laugh now. - For me - I shall #Practice the Gentle Way. **Which ==accepts and maneuvers.**== - **If I were guaranteed not to fail, what would I be doing differently?** - Hug saie right now. - **Exercise Small Thoughts** - 9:30 - 2 PM: Cricket 🏏 Sunday collapsed:: true - #cricket/indvspak - #eatingout bagels 🥯 - Dustin Roboto and Moppie Roboto init - #fap - 🛏️📖3 -5 PM: #practice/Reading📖 🍅🍅 collapsed:: true - Books/Games People Play - Block Reference - On #rejection I get offensive. I’m difficult. Create difficulty and point out mistakes in others. - I’m sort of negotiating. If you gonna be a jerk then I can be double jerk. - If you reject me I’ll show you all the ways you aren’t perfect. Aww. - I guess I’m confirming my position to be loved. Unconditionally loved. Hmm. Is that my game? Seems like it yeah. - Hmm. #Realization this is my #professor - Aha. Found the game. The one I had identified earlier when i first read the book - #nigysob - Block Reference -