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- Jul 21st, 2022 collapsed:: true - Be outrageous. #radio/sarekefall - Jul 20th, 2022 collapsed:: true - The Tolga Chronicles continues - The The Tolga Chronicles has manifested has the tiny worm that would embitter my life. id:: 62d87081-062f-401f-8a87-7204ae333ea8 collapsed:: true - Block Reference - Block Reference - “Then, one places unconditional confidence in other people. That is confidence in others. You can accept yourself, and you can have confidence in others. So what are other people to you now? YOUTH: My comrades? PHILOSOPHER: Exactly” collapsed:: true - Omg. Haha. I did the opposite with Tolga. This is what Grace is showing me. This conflict. I read and wrote about confidence, unconditional high regard, but then what happened with Tolga? - I took the right step. For that I am proud. No regret. Then something turned. I found hate in myself. I fragmented. I just wanted to get him out —- unconditionally. Lol. - I will not be playing these games over and over - this mind play - catching and journaling, learning. Staying as I am. - Block Reference Doubt - Yess. The doubts. I doubted A game and care from rajan and ercan. I knew I could be wrong but I wanted to take impulsive action as if by choice. Ercan said he didn’t have meeting invite. In fact, he has been working on oculus and has proejct setup. So I know my doubts can be wrong. At the core this doubt is doubt about peoples care. Hmm. - Saie walked through fire. I don’t doubt her love - But I didn’t doubt love. Shweta breakup made me fight this doubt even harder. I jumped with both feet. I was willing to risk it for love. hmm. For love. Risk it for love. Love is what evaporates the doubt. - Jul 16th, 2022 - I learned to Smile id:: 62d39513-7ef1-4d4c-9a61-411eb4d11fa7 - Jul 15th, 2022 collapsed:: true - The night out I was ashamed of myself and didn't belong id:: 62d359c2-bb8b-4a88-8b0a-ee49111a5422 collapsed:: true - I captured my thoughts at the @Places/Bella Union, NYC bar being unable to speak with woman. A couple of things led to a feeling of shame. Feeling unattractive and not belonging. I **reflected on the interconnectedness of #shame, #feelinglikeanoutsider, #lowstatus, #notfittingin, to realize that ==The antidote low social status is to feel the sense Belonging== {{embed Block Reference }} - - - @Leo G showing me the mirror #personal/story id:: 62d39513-fd56-40ce-b0c2-bf3774726691 - When you judge people, get ready to be judged. When you show mirror to people, get ready to self reflect and be exposed yourself. - Leo puts light on my personality. I see how different I am. Thinking. Much more introverted. But I try. I try to put myself out there. I can give myself a break and admire that. I apologized to Leo for being judgmental. He reminds me of Matt. The behavior. The #wingingit. The desi mind judges. Is that the parent in me? Hmm. id:: 62d3732e-35df-43e9-a375-ec76d2653e97 - So Leo, s**howed me my #Indianess** and helped me self reflect to **realize that I can course correct.** - First, Leo calls me out on my #Indianess collapsed:: true - This evening, I had an interesting conversation with @Leo G. I had given him unsolicited advice last we met so he came in charged today. {{embed Block Reference }} He called me out about: 1. stepping on his toes 2. giving unsolicited advice 3. ==why do you have to go deep with everything== I was fearful in the beginning of this conversation but his points were stuck in my head. I may have recovered in the talk by talking about my value of being authentic, being deep etc. - Then, during the nightly shame episode Block Reference , where the #Indianess and maybe this discussion came back to haunt me, it struck me that I AM WRONG. id:: 62d38355-5d3e-49fb-beea-60e3c01200d2 collapsed:: true I wrote the following at the bar and later **apologized to Leo looking into his eyes.** #+BEGIN_QUOTE I am laughing now. I was at fault with Leo. I accept . Whole heartedly .I stepped on the toe. I judged. I was Indian. Hmm. I ==am ashamed.==. Stop the judgement, Sid. Even when you think you have a good advice. Omg. Leo just got kicked out. I was wrong again. Blatantly wrong. He walked in - “I’m golden”. Who was that guy (that I saw throwing you out) “Aggressive” #+END_QUOTE - TODO Add text message from Jul 16th, 2022 - Next morning, in the morning pages, I self reflect and realize that I can admit when I realize I am wrong. I can course correct. So thanks Leo. Block Reference - Jul 14th, 2022 collapsed:: true - Electric guitar 🎸 was love at first sound reminded of the day back in 2004-2006 sitting at moginis stairs listening to Metallica or similar rock metal band, and wondering about the Amazon lead sound. What is that thing. Persistent sound. Sounds like lightening. A sexy saxophone or something. Hah. It was the electric guitar sound I had never noticed. - My interaction with Anu di on fb, last week, from the status lens was me not matching her status. It seems I played high status with my english to the point response to her - **hindi, personal, vulnerable** - question. #Status** #+BEGIN_QUOTE Anu Di:** " Hello Sid kasi ho. Aak help chaiya aak friend ki beti Newyork jaa rhe usko Brooklyn m ghar chaiya rent p koi hai jo help kar da ghar lana m koi brokers jisko tum janta ho to batana muja" **Sid**: Hello Hello [1 day late] So the best site for rental would be streeteasy.com Waha Brooklyn properties search kar sakte hain That’s how I found my flat as well **Anu Di:** Ok thanks 😊 **Sid:** Very welcome [sid trying to get back in someway to maintain the lowly he feels after ok, thanks] #+END_QUOTE It's the ok, thanks, that threw me. I could be reading too much into it but I felt the conversation ended due to status mismatch -- in Eric Berne's games model or Keith Johnson's status model way. I did a conscious maneuvering of adding a hindi phrase in between at my first response. This was my semi-concious attempt to lower the status of my response. I would have felt worse if I didn't see that now. As an experiment today, I tried to craft a low status response on my end. I expected the convo to start again but damn! I couldn't do it. I couldn't draft anything. It looked stupid. Unnecessary. Resistance. "Hi Anu di - apartment mil gaya"... " mujhe bataiye koi help chahiye toh" I feel non-genuine and chaploos writing that low. **Maybe I raise their status instead of lowering mine.. hmm** Next time! Over and out. - Jul 9th, 2022 collapsed:: true - Salary, rewards discrepancy is bothering me @ JOKR. The privilege and entitlement on the US team is irking me. I accept it. I accept my firm stance on it. #notonmywatch. collapsed:: true id:: 62ccdbc1-eca1-4981-83bf-972578bc2977 - @Tolga M disturbs my peace. 26 year old is on CPT right now-- so a Co-op, and he is making $220K... on a coop? That's disgusting. Given his performance and value add. For comparision the next highest paid person in team is at $160K so 4 years of more experience. @Ercan Ozer and @Rajan B are both in and around $70-90K. That's unfair. Unfair to me and everyone. I am justified to take a stance. And I will. Adding this to work note with discuss with @Sven G on Jul 11th, 2022 so it's off my head at least. id:: 62ccdbc1-fb63-4631-b12d-2507f8eb93bd What triggers me is the privilege and unearned entitlement. Oof. I am triggered writing this. Dude tells me oh yeah CPT pay will be less, but JOKR will match payment in bonus. Like really? We go over and beyond to pay a FUCKING KID $220K on CPT on F1 VISA! #scream #fuckoff He knows fucking this guy Mexico JOKR co-founder from his brother. Lives for free with his brother. I am outraged. If Sven defends. I'll be pissed. This thought is getting me pissed. L - I made a mistake. I don't how I could not think then. I agreed with @Sven G to give equity to @Simon Vuong. Mistake. He didn't deserve it. I don't why I couldn't think. WHY CAN'T I THINK WHEN TALKING TO SVEN!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH. #scream. Equity should have gone to @Alex Gewinnto AND @Rajan B along with @Ercan Ozer - who is getting it. - Deserving and high performing people shall be compensated and rewarded. What we have right now is the opposite. Ok. Let's to make a doc of dev stack rank and salary. collapsed:: true -  - Ok. Now it's off my head. On paper. Shared with @Sven G. He can decide if he wants to keep paying such skewed rewards. I feel better already. - I feel better after laying it out on paper. **So it wasn't really that I wanted a decision on Tolga or anybody. I wanted to paint the true picture of reality.** I am good. I have shared with picture to one who needs to see. - Thinking of entitlement and high salaries in tech isn't saie's outrage justified then? Indeed it is. I trust the invisible hand of economy and free market to rewards the high performing and most productive. So something in tech is not right then, eh? Indeed. Recession is well deserved then. We need some destruction of inflated assets and also egos. I lost 1.5 million dollars. I take it well. I will work hard to re-earn it. Thank you #economygod. Keep killing the inflated. - - Jul 6th, 2022 - Got real with #@Leo G. id:: 62d36142-34b6-4fb9-8b64-8f689253cfde Leo, sorry, but no sorry. That’s me real asking you to be real. Done. #@Simon Vuong is envious. Ungrateful #mofo. Tch. Also the fucker doesn’t pay. Are american millennial all so utilitarian? Fake. Segmented. Just given too much, too early? Curse of unearned abundance? - Jul 5th, 2022 collapsed:: true - abate #canneverforget - As I was writing about this new learning on ebb Block Reference which means to abate, it reminded me of the word abate - to become less strong. This definition is ingrained in my skull. I learned it when I undertook the challenge to read the entire unabridged Oxford Dictionary at 15 years of age or something. I remember how involved I was. The project lasted 3-5 days I suppose, I was in UP small town where @Kishoke K Mishra used to live. I didn't make it past the letter 'a', the the exercise still has a lasting impression on it. The fact that I got so into getting into the depth of words and really really understanding the meanings. What was the grace calling? - Jul 3rd, 2022 - **Realizing that it's #notmytask to be accepted by #saiefamily** id:: 62cb3d78-deb0-4759-b1c2-b58e4c4e21b6 collapsed:: true - 10 AM: Fight on saie family, video call, my weak and awkward position last night. Slept at 2 AM. Many distractions. I’m not thinking about this as I feel calm now but this is important. Saie and I had a discussion. It hits the nerve when I tell her about her behavior. She gets triggered in the ignorant knowledge of her dysfunctional family. She can ignore. But I had to remind her that she needs create a good place for me. I actually don’t really know what triggered me so hard on the zoom call yesterday. I think it’s status and dominance. Not able to speak. Super fake and wide smile. Did invitation with boo on side this morning. **Not happy with how delayed and unproductive things are right now. She is in vacation mode. Things will be different when we live together, yeah?** What do I not accept? What do I resist? Mr @ranjan m is diseased. But so are we all? Is it the social awkwardness? Partially yes. He is the professor I hated. Why resist? Hm I don’t have to. I just haven’t thought it out. I accept him. I don’t know how to engage with him. That’s the problem. For who? My ego? Hmmm. I accept it. I stop resisting. Also - I stop bending and pretending. If he can be, then I can manifest. It’s the one way street that hurts. I shall not pretend. I shall not pretend. I shall not pretend. I accept. And I allow them to accept me. Like I did. That’s their task. They must do their take. Boom. That’s it. What triggers is the shifting of task. I’m taking on a task that’s not mine #notmytask. - The story of “I don’t need a boyfriend to buy tesla”, Sid getting a gut punch by a woman in front of Saie id:: 62c4a496-177c-400d-8e7c-06d968a1014e collapsed:: true - Got a gut punch from women on adjacent table. During lunch for saie's birthday eve at baar baar restaurant with loud bollydood songs and dancing. Spoke to her as they were 3 girls, looking, and I #tookthebait sid: from nyc? bitch: San Jose, lots of Indians live, sid: yeah all Tesla bitch: oops, zip sid: oh your boyfriend has one bitch: *snaps*; why I can’t I have it? I worked on technology that is in tesla. Why can’t I have it sid: (trying to recover) well because you would make a better choice… bla bitch: bla, venom, so no I don’t need a boyfriend bla This happened in front of Saie. She was smiling. Bitch also apologized to her while snapping at me. Awkward. I took it in. 1 minute of after effect embarrassment where every second felt v v long. But then I recovered. Saie and I were laughing and chatting. The bitch I think and hope realized that she over reacted. My lesson: bhav mat do in randion ki. Sach hai bhai. - I know this feeling of nothingness, I have always known, I have surrendered. id:: 62cb440a-2887-4afb-b3e8-348761d8568f collapsed:: true #Post Meditation Thoughts after Yoga practice with Breath and Flow. - We all know. Know ths ultimate feeling of nothingness. I felt it many times growing up. Listening to songs one day lazing in the afternoon when new in Mumbai (Fiza), and can sense many other occasions. Grace has been calling. Grace is always calling. You find a moment capture you. The person surrenders. Surrender. Find what makes the person surrenders. Do it more. This is Grace calling. This is where you are being perceptive. The person me surrenders to great aesthetics, moments in music, idea of god, manifested universe as one, my gurus - #Osho, #Mooji. - Jul 2nd, 2022 - I would pick building fun Simulation as a hobby, if I did pick a hobby. They inspire me Block Reference - On Economy is Productivity while reflecting on Block Reference collapsed:: true - We have come back to my first professional love - performance. This was natural to me. Do more with less. - So now I understand that to build a business is make something more efficient. To provide productivity (in many forms) and people will take that give back money. - Remember that I held on to the saying - “you make money if you can help people make more money”. I internalized it ever more at Compass. This was the wisdom of economy coming through me. - So for entrepreneurship, I can ask myself - how can contribute to the economy? Produce something that grows the pie. - Boom 💥 - Jun - Jun 30th, 2022 - So am I upset that people are ungrateful? Ok. Why? #watcher/watching id:: 62e4670a-a7b4-4921-852a-28daa44c1596 collapsed:: true - Don't know. I know it's #notmytask. So? I feel lack of love. Hmm. Now we getting somewhere. Why expect it in the first place? Because I put forward my heart. I became vulnerable. And now hurt as I got no "bhaav". In short - I felt lack of care about me. Ok. Lack of care sucks, and when you expect it at vulnerable state, it hurts deep. But why today and not other days? Because I showed care and expected return? I got cold shoulder and blank faces in return. So do I get warmth when I don't show care? Well I know I don't feel this coldness when I am all this lovy dovy and caring. I feel at the root of it it a mismatch of energy. I am coming in strong and charged not resonating with the group. ThenI try to bring them to my place and they ignore. I am hurt. How about I match their energy instead? Hmmm.. that's feeling room. I like my style.. at most time, it's like a movie star, and it's good and I can get a room going. But **sometimes people don't like movie stars.**. Hmm. I definitely tried to be Tom Cruise on a cruise. - Jun 29th, 2022 - The story of avoiding resistance and winning #personal/story #watcher/watching id:: af8de1e9-ee22-47e3-b691-f5d8580254af collapsed:: true - Had a #workmodeshutdown at 2PM today. Creating a tag as I think it’s a mood that cycle. Also a feature not a bug. I have had a splendid week thus far, with 3 victory days in a row. I guess this meeting broke the camel's back Block Reference I spent good time reading and reflecting. Also remember that I had outlined this outcome for the day Block Reference Then the best of me, kept the rest of me at bay #keeptyrannyatbay The best of me, my #secondbrain, keeping the rest of me at bay. Don’t give it importance. It wants mischief. It wants guilt. It wants an escape. I shall not resist. For mind is that resistance. **mind wants a contradiction.** Here is the #secondbrain system at work: After 2 hour reading session, 6:30 PM: Ok heading out to outside walk as planned by best of me ❤️❤️ Damn Playlist/ I love you baby kicked in. And I’m ecstatic. As if the dark cloud cleared and sun 🌞. Pretty blue sky sun. - If not were #secondbrain and my #gtd system, I would have ordered food, ate dessert or something, felt bloated and guilty, wine down and sleep and laze with back ache. I would have promised to wake up early tomorrow. **Be a better person tomorrow.** Calling it “one of those days”. But I’m here. In the present. **At peace with whatever. No resistance. ==Joy took over by itself== as I didn’t buy into the dark mind clouds.** Let’s go! The key was to Avoid Resistance **I feel as I emerged out winning from a test thrown by Universe** - Jun 25th, 2022 - Thinking about Block Reference wrt to my #jobhunt2022. Do not forget why you left Compass Block Reference. I found JOKR. The solution. id:: 62b79b62-f46e-4a98-a68a-363a23618af1 - Jun 19th, 2022 collapsed:: true - Dominance Hierarchy is the ultimate minds play. Hm. id:: 62af4681-4bf4-41ff-a80f-cc5a24307c5d - Back Home - Eugene, NYC. I feel magical. At a higher status. I had forgotten my house. The status energy stored in it compounded and raised over many months. I forgot all that in mere 5 days at state college. The trip to Philly is what really left me low and subjugated. Dealing my dealing with @saie and The PKs is framing me beta, gawti, boyish, and just overall frustrated. My ego went there wanting something and the other egos just competed to lower me relative to their status. - @Pari K pulls you down. Always has. - May - May 30th, 2022 collapsed:: true - I find that north east - NY and MA - has these bright eyes and positive boys. Twinkle in the eyes 🤩. Example - @Roaring Kitty, @Tom Cruise - May 29th, 2022 collapsed:: true - Last night was an emotional deep dive of sorrow and heart break. But then I found myself. 🙏 Mooji id:: 62a66948-ad90-4a4b-97e0-fb5023c8de20 - Block Reference - TODO find the satsang video I watched that night - TODO add the playlist :) - - Jun 26th, 2021 - They put fear in my heart id:: 62b77250-2dd0-4f32-9735-257ac30d3bf1 collapsed:: true - Amazon toxic culture Driven by fear indeed Fear is the primary tool - “turn up the heat” The opposite of complacency is not necessarily a positive adjective - it’s fear My undergrad put down my ambitions. I made my mind to quit computer science and programmer at one point. For the love of grace, it did not manifest. I had never forgotten or forgiven the Indian education system for it. This is the second time I have felt something like this about a “system” or an “environment”. The Compass corporation. The management. Raju and Joseph and Amazon conditioning. I don’t know where to draw the line. All I know that I had been driven by fear. It gripped me in my work life. It produced anxiety, stress and frustrations to the point of burnout. It got me disengaged and lose interest in work. It produced hate towards work. **They killed my joy.** I used to love my job. Even when I hated the company or few people around me, I loved my job. I hate my job now. It doesn’t matter if I’m surrounded by the very best of people. I feel hollow. My creative juices are barren. It stultified my creativity It doesn’t have to be this way, does it? Why can’t I overcome this fear? It’s not the fear of a person. It’s the culture. It runs in the very bloodstream. It’s poisonous blood and I’m a small organ that consumes it. The only way out is to cut yourself off. Hmm. - Apr 2nd, 2020 collapsed:: true - Mind is a tool for manipulation. The existential angst is in its attempt to manipulate itself #fromfb - “For the selfishness of the self thrives on the notion that it can command itself, that it is the lord and master of its own processes, of its own motives and desires. Thus the one important result of any really serious attempt at self-renunciation or self-acceptance is the humiliating discovery that it is impossible” - @Alan Watts - Archive collapsed:: true - First day First job Vivox - {:height 275, :width 211} -