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- Not get engaged? I must watch fro my engagement. Last night at the pre P/Porcupine Tree Closure 2022 show I had alcohol and I got taken over by the mind at the restaurant. Hmm. This morning was #groggy and fearful. I got butt hurt by the message response I heard (or th en) from @Ken Cox. Now it feels lame. What happened? id:: 6326f04f-442c-41ac-a59c-785e5fae284c collapsed:: true - {:height 510, :width 304} - I was believing what my mind was telling me - Maybe slightly hungover, definitely dehydrated, body was feeling not great. And I was feelign voices and faces from show yesterday. Seeing people's ego. Loosing from them. Right here I created the Separation - the I and the others. The battle of egos. And in here I felt like I was on the losing side, weaker side. One with no strategy or next step. So mind was haunting me to act and do something. Causing the anxiety. - Something didn't match my expectation for this fear to trigger. I can't put my finger exactly on what! - For one everyone else seems to like the PT show better than I did. I hated it. Bored. Almost slept. In fact, the show ruined the actual songs for me. In fact, at the bathroom stall, I was feeling higher status as the as I felt relatively taller... strange.. (seems like all tall #boston peeps live at my building.. or tall white peeps are just richer in genera - theory for another day). I also felt I was dressed well. So that's that. Everyone felt like middle class. I was feelign rich. - I found my mind getting distracted after the show walking through the crowd as I saw the dressy woman. Ah the woman. Most skanky. Lots of such people not fitting in. I was busy with boo but a part of me was distracted. Why? collapsed:: true - I see skanky woman and I want her attention? I want to be the guy she goes crazy about. Something like that. So when I don't get attention, I am butt hurt. Lol. - Still confused. As I think of Ken's message or meeting Jimmy G later tonight, some of the morning feeling comes back. It's like it's parked. Maybe I could address it by gaining contorl? By texting Ken back and being hte one to text Jimmy first. I think ==it's the fear of lack of control==. **I am unable to predict. Wait. Do I fear their judgement? Hmm. Am I taking someone else's task??** - Omg yes. I took over Ken's problem on my head and then the trigger piled on more and more. - #notmytask to have Ken C more empathetic and open to friendship - #notmytask to assuade communication chokeup and awkwardness to Jimmy - #notmytask to have people I reach out to be better at friendship and creating strong deep relationship. - #notmytask to worry about or anticipate anybody's judgement. - All I can do is to just do. Just be. Act what comes through me. Neki kar dariya mein dal - **deep breath**. I feel resolved. - - -