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location:: Home - Avalon 2, Boston victory-hour:: no😴 pomodoro-blocks:: wake-up:: day:: icon:: 🌟🌟🌟🌟 - ## 08:21 AM Remember: - Daily Score - 5 - 7 - 9 am. good start so far at my desk. Saie off to work. I am #stoic. I am thinking. I am writing. - 8 - 9:30 #caffeinekick Celcius. Feeling euphoric. - 8 - 10am #sid/daki💦 #feelinggood - 8 - 12:30 AM - phew tiring tuesday meeting - 7 - downer, on aggresive reaction getting no counter reaction demotivates me - - **Morning Pages** collapsed:: true - What is my fundamental issue with #mogre? - Achievement seeking - But there are many? So am I in a way? - I wouldn't introduce someone as "she is topper in IIM" - well say - my mom will, in some other way - it will show - but not on titles and badges, just for who I am hmmm. Rishta. Hmm. - Dad will show proud. On character backed my achievement. Will overdo. ok. Can show nonchalant bias. - But both will never put others down. - Is something different about "she is a topper in IIM"? - cut above the rest vs I am not at the bottom - deep insecurity vs deep affirmation - I am better than others vs I am not less - hmm - so why does it bother me? What's so different? - The falsity of it. It's coming from the mind. Not from the heart. - So maybe it's my vehement rejection of the false. - hmmm - Isn't all False? Yes. - Love is real. Saie's love for me is Real. - Saie's mom love for her is real. My father's love for me is real. - Then it's the expression of love that I find offensive? Hmm maybe - It's that I can't call out the bad behavior. Hmm. - I would be v upset and v angry, if I weren't allowed to express this with my parents. - oooo - that's big. It's the lack of me being myself while them being whatever they want to be. - Again too vague. - So nothing I cna recall, ,where I think I controlled myself on the call yesterday. In fact, I made many loving gestures, showed them the Gardyn, talked abiut flights, the "topper from IIM" intro to whatever girl that trigerred me but not important to me; so what happened? - Step by step. At what point... - ok start was good. Uncle was smiling. Better than before. I liked it. Score 7 - Ok. It started with the way Saie was holding the phone hmm,. Yes. Too sideways, showing halk her face, and half mine, not a good look. **Score 6** - Question - "no computer today?" -- lame but ok. **Score 6** - Intro to random girl - "IIM topper" - #triggered - **Score 4** - I tried to ask question "which kind of technonoloy" - lame answer, but it's ok. I had no intererest. - I was filled bad thoughts. - Discussion on NZ. "she makes 100 medu wada" and stuff. Not interesting to me. - I said "decor too much" - "it is for you" - Not helping the score. **Score 4.** - I talked about movie Chavva. "I read the book".. I tried to bring her down cautiousky on historical facts - but I find myself #triggered again #damn. Another intellectual "I am superior" expression. I could have asked better question - " How much of it you think it's true?" #argh. ==Rather I took it as a challenge.==. #aha - #intellectuallychallenged - Ok. Let's unpack. - Gaya plans + other discussion. Nothing produce joy or a feeling of great communication. -